I had been sliding carelessly (okay – sometimes ardently) into a life of negative. I would like to say the devil made me and outside influences contributed but the truth of it is this – we make our own decisions.
I had become over critical, judgmental, a speaker of ill words.. and I had pushed the work needed on myself to the side. I thought somewhere in the unaware that I was helping people to heal.. or that was the initial idea. At any time I could have stopped cuddling up to my egotistical mean girl and been better.
There was no a-ha moment, by the way.. no “you are being a total ass” sign being held up by the universe. I came about the realization almost immediately and should have stepped away from all parties then. I almost did.. but for the need to be there. Misguided though it was but the road to hell and all that..
Awareness evolved slowly as I started this new journey of self. I had recently been diagnosed and this in turn led me to reconsider my authenticity.. when had I lost myself? It is/was way too late but I got there, or more so that I am getting there. Okay – I am working on it.. this process of self (re-discovery)? I hope you know I have deep regret.
I started with simplifying things.. pretty much dropping everyone and everything that wasn’t working for me that I feasibly could. I still am, just a bit more slowly now as I feel my way around.. away from what stressors and unhealthy associations I can.
Right now I am focused on shaping my new normal and what is going to work best in my life moving forward.. in my relationships, in my spiritual, and in my day to day. I am wiping my slate clean(ish) and embracing this softer new.. yet again the fool, only this time by my own choice.